I’ve lived in my flat since April last year. In fact, I was the third tenant to move into the brand new building. The early occupants who had cars were fortunate enough to grab convenient parking spaces inside the building, as opposed to the outside spaces where one’s car is exposed to the elements. I got my car in June, and shortly took over an inside parking space after one tenant moved out. That was done after informing the building managers, the janitors and the watchmen that I was taking over said parking space. This is the system that was agreed upon by tenants. We knew each other’s cars and their respective parking spaces, and we would not park anywhere randomly.

In the recent past, there have been several squabbles among tenants regarding parking spaces. The newer tenants felt that it’s unfair that some older tenants have up to four insidel parking spaces while they have none. Therefore management decided that every flat gets only one parking space, and any additional vehicles should be parked outside. As time went by, the managers were replaced by two very lazy chics who do nothing else apart from threaten us with dire consequences if rent isn’t paid on time. They decided that from that day on, all parking spaces will be used on a first come, first serve basis ie no parking space belonged to anyone. Park wherever you please as long as you got there first.

Evidently, this arrangement caused uproar from us older tenants. We felt that it was very unfair, seeing as we came first, therefore we own our parking spaces. Besides, the parking system was largely effective and we didn’t see the need for management to intervene and ruin it without at least consulting us. Once or twice I got home in the evening to find that someone had stolen my parking space, but the watchmen were quick to call the offender and ask him/her to remove the car. I raised the issue with management twice. One chic was quick to tell me:

“Hio si shida yangu, mimi sina gari. Nyinyi mjipange arrangement yenyu”

A discussion was held with a few tenants and it was agreed that we would stick to the pre-existing system since it reduced confusion and conflict.

Anyway, last night I got home about 9pm to find that some very brave individual, after being informed by my housemate and the night watchman that that was my parking space, and being made aware of my very short fuse and general intolerance to insolence, had the boldness to park a piggy bank Vitz in my parking spot. Surely, couldn’t the person just carry the bloody thing into the house and stick it on the fridge? Seeing as there was nowhere else to park my car, I double parked in front of said mannerless child Vitz and went into my flat.

This morning at 6:20am, a very angry Chinese chap called my flat, demanding that I come and remove my car, because he was getting late for work. Well, I refused. I decided to teach him a lesson for stealing my parking space, and would only move my car at whatever time I felt like. About 30 minutes later, I was touched by the Holy Spirit, and decided, in the spirit of forgiveness, not to anger the Chinaman any more. Besides, we need roads and Chinese food. Besides, maybe he knows Kung Fu, Jujitsu and other dangerous words.

I arrived downstairs to find said Chinaman and his very upset wife. I informed him that that was my officially recognized parking space, and added that he shouldn’t park there again, or else I’ll simply double park in front of his wireless mouse Vitz. And next time I wouldn’t answer the house phone and he’d have to take a matatu to work.

So the husband and I are trying to sort this issue out like men. You know, dialogue na kuelewana. He said that he was simply following the management’s directive that no parking spot belongs to anyone. I told him that tenants had refused that arrangement and that only the pre-existing arrangement applies.

Enter the dragon

Step up Mishare, I finish you in two move!

Then the wife jumps into the mix with her hasira mingi.

“That is rubbish! Why you no pay money you buy your parking”

(Turns to husband)

“Don’t talk to him! Don’t talk to him! He stupid animal!”

Me: What the…?! Did she just call me a stupid animal?

The hubby restrained his wife but only made things worse when he opened his mouth.

“No no, she no say you stupid animal. She say your car stupid animal.”

So now my dearest Chebet is a stupid animal? Did my car park itself there? First of all, how can a chap who drives a door stopper Vitz insult my Nissan? Does he know that we are in the #NissanChallenge? Has he ever heard of a roller skate Vitz Challenge? Vitzes are challenged enough as it is!

Seeing as they had degenerated into insults, I refused to move the car and told them to jipanga. And then…..this happened.

You see that X? The chap got into his bubble gummer Vitz, did a one and a half point turn, wiggled out of the parking spot, went round my car and took off!! I Vitz kid thee not!

WHAT?!

I’m telling you, a go kart Vitz is more nimble than a BMX! Anyway, I now await a summons from the building management over the incident. Though the Chinese couple messed up big time by insulting me anyway, so I’m not too worried.

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I really ought to stop dissing wheelbarrows Vitzes, seeing as the girlfriend bought one  yesterday. Said shoebrush Vitz has ambitions of becoming a LandCruiser VX someday, therefore I’ve christened it #VXnano. In all honesty, I have nothing against sea shells Vitzes. I quite like the little shopping trolleys cars. They’re cuter than a Toyota Duet, bigger than a Nissan March and more spacious than a VW Golf MK4. And the fuel consumption is more frugal than a fountain pen. A tortoise Vitz is the only car that can run on the promise that you’ll fuel it at the end of the month.

Ok, I’ll stop there.

What’s on my Playlist?

Carl Douglas – Kung Fu Fighting